When you look in the mirror, is the life staring you back what you expected?
This is the question I have been fighting with for over 20 years.
I will almost never make the 1st contact towards someone new. The reasoning being because if you read this, you will know what type of person I am as well as my situation, so you decide if I am someone you would like to know or not. It is hard for me to condense a lifetime of who I am, into a brief biography of introduction. If your interested in segments or situations that are missing or require more information, then please ask. The picture that you see is of me when I was 22 years old… that would be 23 years ago.. I have changed dramatically and the only person that would recognize me in the picture would be my mother.. Who I was ,is not who I am, physically or emotionally. But it was the starting point of when my life started changing, so its relevant to my current situation.
At this point, I could try and engage you in ways that endear me to you. I am supposed to sell myself and the innate qualities that will draw you to me, all in the hopes you will feel compelled to reach out and make contact. I would prefer to use this time to showcase who I am, and use my writing as a mirror, facing myself, hoping that you will recognize the truth in what I am saying and it will impact you. Perhaps you will recognize yourself and feel compelled to reach out me.
I am a 45 year old, married professional ,thinking that I have missed something in my life. Instead of telling you what I have become, I would rather tell you where I have been. I was born on the east coast of Canada in “God’s Country” and it’s impacted who I am and how I view the world. Fast forward to age 24 when I made a decision to move to North Western Ontario, leave my successful career, family, friends and life to get married, because I felt that it was the “right” thing to do. Smart, successful people got married started to save, buy homes, have babies, get RRSP’s, cars, minivans and plan for their retirement.
I honestly felt that since I had been working full time and going to school since I was 16, I had “been there done that” in terms of responsibility. I settled in to married life and started to build what I thought was a future. I worked hard, I tried hard, I compromised, I forgave, I gave up my dreams for his and and I built a life outsiders thought was ideal. It was, except there was something fundamentally missing.
The more things we bought, the more responsibility we had, the bigger the hole in my soul became. The more I felt stuck, the more I realized I needed to get away. I had just turned 34 when after 5 years of trying to make “this” work… I realized it wasn’t going to. After some major traumatic incidents, that I just couldn’t forgive, I packed up my children and my animals, returning home to the Maritimes with little more than camping gear and swimsuits. It was the best 2 years of my adult life, living in the woods with no daily conflict. There was no external pressure to always give in and be less than who I was. I was no longer in an emotional void of trying to get attention from someone who had no room for me on his “to do” list. I was happy for the first time in a long time.
Unfortunately, it didn’t last, as I made the conscious decision to once again compromise and I decided to move back with “him”. To Southern Ontario this time, so that my children would grow up seeing and knowing their father. Plus, it had become evident that one of my children were going to need a full time caregiver and the only way to do it effectively, was in a 2 parent home. I believed that even with all his faults, having the male father figure presence is something that they needed in order to grow into stable, secure men themselves. I believed that I would be able to sacrifice my need for happiness, while we raised them in a two parent home. I believed that I could model a relationship that showed cooperation and commitment. I believed I was strong enough to endure a marriage that did not work, for the sake of my children and their happiness.
Now, after 15 years of living with the reality of the situation, I have excepted it was not the right decision, even though it was the only decision I could have made. As I refuse to change my relationship status right now, this brings me to a place where I am looking for outside assistance to help me feel alive again. Looking for the companionship of someone who cares about me and shows me they do. To feel like I matter to them, as more than the chief cook and bottle washer. In May 2008, I took a leave from my job and started to work on every aspect of ME… body, mind, soul. I also started to prepare for the next chapter in my life… I am NOT looking for a one night stand, I am NOT looking for someone that I can move in with, I am NOT looking for an affair of the body…. I am looking for my soul mate .. as much as that word can’t begin to express what I want from the man I want to be with…
I am looking for the person that you makes you feel things that you have never felt, makes you ask yourself is this really happing, the person you look forward to coming home to and sharing your day with. I have three beautiful children, 13, 14, and 15; my divorce will be hard on them, as well as me, so I would prefer that you also had children so you can relate. You may currentely be in a relationship and feel the same way I do; you may have just come from a situation that is similar or maybe… just maybe you’re from neither but feel drawn to my words and situation.
Do you wake up next to someone and ask your self “what happened”? Do you feel that there is someone that will make you complete? Do you see those little thing in the mall that you want to buy for someone, but don’t, because you know it won’t be apreciated? Do you read those Hallmark cards in Shoppers and wish you had someone that meant that much to you? Do you wonder, every day, if you made the right decisions? If you look at “those” couples walking down the street holding hands, that seem happy- the truly happy couples (not the teenagers) and wonder how they made it? Or see the old couple at the retirement home, that still love each other after 40 years of marriage, and want it so badly ,it hurts.
I would like to talk to someone that feels like I do. I am simply complicated and want someone who appreciates it. I believe in romance, I believe that there is someone for everyone, I believe in spontaneity, I believe that most times, the best times, are un-planned. I believe the road less traveled has more adventure and more black flies, I love dancing like no one is watching, I stop to experience life regardless of how wet I may get or how much sand gets dragged into the vehicle, I take long talks where I lose track of time. I believe your can have a lover and a best friend in your partner. I have learned that little things mean everything. I have learned that some of the best moments just happen. I have learned that it means more to listen than to talk. I have learned that kisses on the check or forehead mean just as much as the lips. I have learned that I want a man that I can show off to the world, a man I respect and admire for how he treats others and carries himself. I have learned I am beautiful instead of “HOT”. I have learned that there is a sole mate for everyone. I know holding hands means the world when it is the right person. I’ve learned that when you go to bed angry, you make the situation much worse. I have learned that it is more important to call someone back when they hang up on you, instead of letting it go. I have learned that you can shoulder a much heavier burden than you thought possible and that all it takes is a kind word to alleviate some of the pressure.
The who and what, I am looking for is a fluid list, that changes with my needs. I believe a relationship should work the same way. I am looking for someone that cares about themselves and others, someone that can bring home flowers from the grocery store instead of a florist and know they will be appreciated just as much. Someone that will read the card you spent hours looking for and know it means something for each of you. Someone that knows beauty is only skin deep and will fade with time, yet ugliness is straight to the bone and spreads to souls unless confronted.
Someone that appreciates little things, both in giving and receiving, as life is not a race to win or a crib match where score is kept. Someone that likes the idea of coming home from along day at work and getting caught up in the moment of return and the welcome home kiss. Someone that enjoy’s a romantic dinner for 2 on the beach and can appreciate the amount of work it was and not get worried about the sand in their shoes or on his clothes. You want to travel, to share the adventure of living life, to be spontaneous in your passion, your love, your joys. To be Intelligent in a confidant, understated way, without something to prove. You initiate walks in the rain because you know it reminds me of the foggy ocean coast that I love and miss with an ache of soul memory.
You are someone that excepts all the bad with the good because it shows how much you have to lose and work for. You don’t sweat the small stuff because thats what makes up the fabric of our lives and will end up being what makes us laugh later.You are social and love going out with friends, even though you prefer the quiet solitude of being alone.You must understand what is meant by the saying “meet in the middle”. Compromise is not just for one person to make. I want to watch you sleep and be excited that I will get to wake up to see you in the morning with your hair all tousled and a shadow of beard on your face.
I want you to care about yourself inside and out, knowing it will extend our time together when we are old. You are witty with sarcastic humor and can keep up to me ,and better yet outdo me. You are someone that I can go grocery shopping with, and turn it into our own privatae comedy show. You not afraid of expressing yourself verbally or physically and will not hold your affection back even when you are upset with me. You have to have basic traditional, masculine life skills, like knowing how to change the batteries in the remote or at least have the phone numbers for the professionals who can do the work.
You don’t have to be begged to do the yard work and you have your well worn play clothes and leather work gloves ready in the spring. You can go to a white collar affair, without needing my direction on what’s appropriate to wear, and you realize that a compliment to me after spening the time to get ready means lot. You start dinner if you come home first and normally jump into help if it’s in process, after pouring us a glass of wine, to talk over the days news. You know that I am open to your sexual advances no matter the location, as I adore you and am not conventional or repressed. You smile indulgentely when I talk baby talk to my flat faced dog, as I can’t stop it, even when I try to.
I dream of a love that will penetrate my very soul. I want you to inhale the fragrance that is me…my hair, my skin and be reminded that the soft warm smell is unique to me. When you feel the cool leather on the steering wheel, it reminds you of the feel of my hand; when you taste a flavor it reminds you of the of the cool skin on my back, in the morning when the covers were thrown back to my hips. I want you to be distracted sometimes when I talk , when you look at my lips and you think about how they have touched you. I want you to hear the sound of laughter and be reminded of me and when we’re together. I dream of a day when I can work at love, knowing it is being returned, not because it has to be, but because you want to give it. You do things for me because you want to and you acknowledge all I do for you , perhaps not all the time, but often enough so that I know it and I, have been noticed.
I want something very simple. I want total commitment and the total giving and receiving of love. I want the freedom to be who I am in a relationship that supports it, encourages it, and appreciates it.