shards of sand

things are not as they should be

as i want them to be or need them to be

i have no desire to fix it or break it

i’ve tried so hard to walk away, move on

i’t’s been years of pacing the same treadmill

not even caring that all my effort was resulting in noting

because that’s how broken i was after we ended

i did not break, i dissolved

i crumbled apart like a sand castle being smashed by waves

and now i live with shards of sand partially melted

over the glass of where my heart once was

cool, rough, beautiful and isolated in suspended brilliance

 

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out of the blue

my stomach dropped like it does when you are a little child and fall backwards while holding onto the chains of a swing as you pump yourself high into the air in a pendulum.

i wasn’t even paying attention to my surroundings as i wandered with my dog along an old and familiar path. she was happily bounding from one side of the trail to the other, sniffing and trotting, heeling then running ahead of me so she could stop and look back over her shoulder with an open mouthed, panting doggie grin of joy.

the mid morning light was diffused through the grey fog and light misting rain; it had muffled forest noises and made crispy leaves soggy, along the path beside the meandering river. it was cool and i was warm, with a big wool sweater under my oversized raincoat with my hands buried deep in my pockets, shoulders hunched against my ears. the hood was up, my hair parted so it hung down on either side of my face and half way down my chest, silvered with minuscule water droplets.

i was watching another large droplet form, winding it’s way down a curling damp tendril, to fall into a rivulet down the slick surface of my jacket, over the swell of my breast before disappearing from view, when i heard his deep and familiar voice greet my dog.

gasping, i physically froze while every other sense went into instant awareness and tight suspense. eyes flying to his, i saw him bend a knee to ruffle her fur as she jumped around his calves, excited to see him and unable to hide her joy at greeting an old friend. i had a flash of jealousy. wishing for a moment that i could throw myself at him, like she did. jumping all over him as his hands pet and stoked me, trying to have him touch everywhere at one as i whimpered in exuberant happiness, raining kisses all over his face as he laughed and ruffled her back, cupping her face and smoothing the fur back over her head.

god he was beautiful. so beautiful it squeezed my heart when i looked at him. he had changed so much in the years which had passed since I’d seen him last and yet looked exactly the same. his beard was longer, he looked tired. was that a small scar on the far side of his temple? my heart was racing. my breathing suddenly catching and ragged. my mouth was dry, making me lick my lips. i could see his eyes crinkling at the corners, fine laugh lines becoming more dominant with his boyish crooked smile towards me, as i stood frozen, looking down at him, three feet in front of me.

“hi”

he stood up, taking those last few steps between us. i watched as his eyes moved all over my face. he didn’t ask how i was. he reached for me. hands on either side of my face, fingers through my hair, meeting at the back of my head. his gaze had moved from my lips to my eyes. eyes that were quickly filling with tears. tears which were hopefully hiding the longing, the sorrow of our parting, for decisions made and not taken back, regret, promises, hopes, fear. i felt like my soul was vulnerable and exposed.

his smile slowly faded as his brows lowered; his countenance suddenly serious. our gaze locked and a million unsaid things passed between us. he looked as sad as i felt at that moment, just before he touched his lips to mine and my eyes closed, pressing the tears from my eyes to trail across both cheeks and which I felt him brush away with his thumbs. he kissed the corner of my mouth and then the salted trail of my tear, before pulling me firmly against his chest. one arm around my back, the other across my shoulders and pressing my head against his chest as my arms encircled his waist.

i took a deep and shuddering breath, inhaling the unique masculine scent of him, which he matched at the same time. we stood there in the misting rain, holding onto each other. it wasn’t until the dog shifted, off our feet, that we pulled apart. his hands came down my arms and he held my cold, wet hand in both of his. “i thought that was your car.”

apparently, this had not been the first time he had come to this trail which i had introduced him to. when he thought about us and longed for what was, he had made his way back over the years, sometimes alone and sometimes with his son. it made him feel close to the memory of when we were together. he had always looked for me. hoped he’d run into me one day as he turned a corner. and when he saw me that day, walking towards him in the rain, he was happy. he was sad. he was afraid. but most of all, he remembered how lonely he has been.

after all these years. both of us wandering along the same trail, thinking of the other, hoping that today would be the day and yet positive that it could not possibly happen. the worst thing about seeing him, was knowing that it’s all still there. every single desire, my incessant need to please him knowing he has the same. the ache was instant, intense and hit me hard. days later i can still feel the chance encounter; in the shaking arms, a sudden flutter, a deep sexual awakening that i believed gone, yet which had simply gone dormant.

as much as it was everything, it can never be anything, ever again.

Posted in Relationships | 8 Comments

grow up little girl

little girl. don’t fool yourself. he’s calling and texting. getting all up in your business because he wants to fuck you. nothing more. that man doesn’t want a relationship with you. he’s not interested in you or your problems. he doesn’t care if you’re happy or what makes you sad. girl, all you are to him is an easy, yes. a way to get off without jerking on it himself. it doesn’t matter if he’s been using you to get off for one night or 3 years. you are a hook up. a booty call. a fuck buddy, if you’re lucky. you mean nothing to him and this is all it’s ever going to be.

so tell me something. why are you investing time, effort, energy into wishing or wanting things to be more than they are? if you haven’t figured it out yet, let me help you. it’s because you are damaged. there is something broken inside of you. you don’t value yourself or your sexuality. you are accepting marginal sex because you don’t understand what reciprocated emotional investment is. who hurt you? what happened that made you think giving up your body was powerful, when the exact opposite is true. you are more than the bitch on her knees who gives it up at his whim.

you will never have a relationship with any of the men you’ve fucked, so cut them off and out of your life. move on or at least stop the fucking car. figure out what baggage you are carrying and get rid of things that don’t fit you anymore, are out of style or are damaged. act like you are packing for a trip and only take the things which are multi functional, bring you joy and make you look good when you wear them. take care of them, and pack them away carefully because they are an investment from your past into your future.

your future is about personal empowerment. it’s about self pleasure. it’s about you making the rules and deciding what you want and then looking for the people and person who fits it. you will not bend to their will. you will either fit together or you will let them go. everyone makes mistakes, but choosing to make the same one over and over is pathological and you are better than that. and if you don’t think so, it just shows how far you have to go and how much work you have to do, before you are ready to have anyone in your life in a  meaningful or sexual way.

get right by yourself. it will attract people to you who should be there for the right reasons. invest in yourself. no one else will unless you show them you’re worth it. and you are.even if you don’t know it yet. you don’t have to plan for it or prepare for it. you simply start it. now. no need to wait unless you want to start the self sabotaging again. you know better. you are better. and somewhere along the way, you forgot. you started believing other people instead of that little voice inside of your head that told you things were not supposed to be this way. give that voice a chance to sing or even scream. silently accepting the shit you have, is no longer an option. you know better so do better.

Posted in advice, Relationships | 3 Comments

communication connection

you need a friend, a connection, a person who is engaged with what you say and who you are as a man and as a person. our marriages mirror each others so brutally perfectly. you are me, i am you. each of us hungry for communication first, even as we struggle with the high needs of a sexual nature, which we are used to placing on hold, on standby. you refuse to rush me and you refuse to allow my impatience to rush you. i’ve needed you. exactly you. and you had the patience to wait. talk about making a woman want you.

Posted in Affair, Relationships | 2 Comments

new man in town

i’ve met someone. he arouses me. i’ve known him for a long time but have just recently met him. and for the past 2 months he has been engaging me, building something he wants and which he believes will be sustainable between us. his level of effort and what he wants, is pretty incredible. he wants what i do. he has exactly what i have. everything he says, would be the words i would say, if i spoke them first. he is moving slow because he knows that laying a solid foundation matters, to both of us.

i’ve been reticent about him. about the possibility or potential of growing anything real. holding back and not fully accepting. there are reasons. valid ones. all based on my being hurt in the past and therefore unfair to project upon him. he has been an open book. a completely divulging everything immediately and then stated why before i could panic and use it as an excuse to not proceed. he is exactly perfect in how he handles my nerves, my concerns and not because he has been directed to, but because it’s how he handles situations and people.

my level of interest is increasing the longer i know him and catching up to where he wants me to be. and he will not proceed with anything more intimate until i am where he is. he doesn’t want a fling, or something temporary. he’s building a relationship because he wants it to be one and where sex is part of it but not all of it. and the more time he spends with me, the more he involves me in the day to day functioning of his life, the more i trust that he will continue to do so.

and it’s been a very long time since i felt even the faintest glimmer of hope i would be able to do that again. thankfully, he was persistent and understood what i needed, even though i could not express to him, my reasons for it. i’ll explain it to him one day soon, because he’s earned my trust. and i have to say, that fills me with trepidation if i think about it. so, i am purposely not thinking about it. let’s go with denial. i’m good at that. he wants a best friend, a companion and a sexual partner. he wants an emotional relationship as well as a sexual one. but he does not want full intimacy until i am positive that i plan on staying with him for a long time, because that’s what he wants from me.

so an assertive man who is in full control of himself, who enjoys me completely and who has a high sex drive which seems to match my own in every aspect who is willing and instigated, a long courtship filled with a massive amount of communication and sharing time together interspersed with sexual awareness and tension which reaffirms that intimacy is more important than sexual contact. if i had any sense at all, i’d be afraid at how well matched we are and at how far he’ll go to make sure he meets all of my needs.

he is the best part of many men I’ve known, combined into one man. which makes me either very excited or very nervous. i’m not sure which. i am firmly entrenched in feeling neutral about it for today. and that is fine with him. because he is intent on changing everything to accommodate my needs, because he wants me for a long time to come, and he knows his efforts will accumulate and since he plans on staying, that is no issue for him at all. he is a very interesting man. one who clearly is more than my match.

Posted in Affair, Relationships | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

valentine contact

i think about who is in my life. who chooses to be. who makes an effort. i don’t do valentines day very well. for years it was a day of anger and resentment that he had chosen to forget, that he ignored it, that i waited patiently all day, sure he would do something, anything, only to realize he wouldn’t and hadn’t. i must have thrown out a solid 10-12 valentine cards over the years. bought and then never given as he failed to make time for me and for us. so rather than fuzzy warm memories, i approach the day with suspicion if i can’t manage to be neutrally neglectful of it, with a tinge of bitter.

i was snippy. already bristling after 2 hours of being up and getting ready for the day with no mention of it. would it be so hard to grab my ass and bend me backwards as i get kissed hard and told how much i was wanted? apparently so. anyway, by the time i finished doing a variety of things and my mood was soured, i came back into the kitchen to see roses and a card he snuck in when i was upstairs. great. so he remembered but wanted to piss me off first? do you know how hard t is to try and shift emotions after years of being neglected? virtually one of the hardest mental shifts you have to make.

i think the last time he bought me flowers was 2? years ago, when i came home form a trip and he knew i was going to be with other women from work. he showed up with flowers and they all oohh’ed and ahhh’ed. they were beautiful but he did it for them to see him give me flowers and not to give me flowers from him. big difference. so i got flowers and a card. clearly, i had already given him a small gift after he woke up…because in part today was a big day for him. he was having surgery which had been postponed from december.

he made an effort and it was welcome. and i also had messages from a few other people. peripherally. long gone loves who always stay in contact with me. to what end? self serving? possibly. maybe i am jaded and don’t believe in love anymore. maybe. like i do and not admit it. i have been emotionally numb for a few years now. i certainly live life but i feel like i am not participating in it in real time. disassociative. arms length to emotional involvement.

the point is. some connections made seem to last. even when they are not routinely maintained or tended. they stretch across time and become more than what you expected them to be yet never become more than what they are. i don’t even know if i could trust them to be more of anything now, than what i have learned them to be. a memory of who i was. a ghost of emotional connection i don’t remember anymore. i’m no longer her. she is no longer here. i am no longer lost in what may be or living in the world of what is. when you look back at the past and through the reflection of mirrors, you seem to lose the connection to the present.

i don’t want to find myself anymore. i am okay being content and lost. simply not risking is the way i need to heal and how i self preserve. i am unwilling to be more, do more, expect more. i can’t. i can’t be broken again anytime soon. and i’m not even pulling back. i simply fell so far i can’t get out yet. and i am not trying. because i don’t care yet.

 

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the lost words

WordPress has changed again or I am having massive issues with my blog. I can see I have ‘notifications”, yet when I click to view them, I have the spinning wheel of death which never loads. I’ve gone through all my settings and have tried bringing up posts in a historical method, which is clearly ineffective and incredibly frustrating. My apologies if you’ve message/commented and I’ve not replied. I simply can’t see anything, I know is there.

Posted in In the News, Relationships | Tagged | 4 Comments

failing at marriage

i spend half the time hating him and the other half feeling badly that he can’t be the man he thinks he should be and the one i would respect and want. i get brief glimpses of who he once had the potential to be. fleeting. they go before i can respect him and ages before i could ever fall in love again. i wish we at least had a physical relationship which made up for the lack of everything else, rather than contributing to the problems. one needs to feel passion and that you are desirable. otherwise you waste away into apathy and regret. when your spouse does not meet your needs, there is a veritable line up of available men who would like to take his place. and once you stop looking down from despair, you realize just how many of them are there and how easy it would be to say yes. yes to everything. especially because the man you are married to has proven that he completely fails at marriage 100 times a month.

Posted in marriage, Relationships | 1 Comment

His little attempt at masterbation

His penis is lost inside his hand, as he rubs his well formed head against the slit of ripened peach between my shapely thighs. Moments later, the searing heat of his ejaculate floods over the bountiful valley of my sex, with the spice of his juicy release. Had it not been for the presence of his closed fist and the mess left behind, I would not know he had been there at all.

Posted in cock size, masterbation, small penis teasing, SPT | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

craven desire

there are times i crave punishment. when i want you to almost hurt me. when i want the pounding of your cock to be fierce and violent as you pin me down and make me take it, take you, take everything. i want my mouth bruised as you crush me. i want your hand grasping my jaw, forcing me my lips forward so you can roughly kiss me, renting your thumb across the fullness of them, drawing them apart. i want my wrists grasped in one of yours, arms pulled over my head, exposing my breasts to your greedy eyes, as my back arches with your violent coupling.

i want you to make me mewl beneath you, to gasp on your withdraw and cry out when you violently enter me.  i want you to grasp my hips roughly and flip me over so that my wide white ass is presented fully as you grab handfuls of fleshy hips and use them to slam me back onto your engorged shaft, as you make me fuck you back. the hard wet slapping noise of sex sweat skin. the delicious suctioning as you piston your flesh inside of my swollen and slick pussy. i was born for this. this hard fucking to match your arousal. built for your bodys comfort, i am the soft delicious piece of ass you need to vent yourself upon. there are times i crave it.

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