it would be so easy to say yes to you. so easy to forget you are unreachable. part of me thinks you are trying to resolve feelings you have for me. you don’t know what to do with a woman who has no conditions and who has stayed in your life while not having a sexual relationship with them. i can see you struggle with it occasionally. not knowing how to place me. clearly not wanting an emotional connection and yet having one, makes you uncomfortable, like wearing an ill fitting shirt. and yet you try.
the sexual attraction takes me by surprise. you’ll move a certain way. i see the shift of your shoulder under your shirt, or the light catches the shadow of your beard, and there it is. it makes me catch my breath. i respond with a powerful sexual awareness, that i’ve never experienced with anyone else. when it happens to me, you notice. we could be in the middle of talking and then i look up into your eyes, realizing i’ve gone silent and so have you. and you are looking at me, looking at you, with a feral hunger in your eyes or a flare to your nostrils which speaks volumes while nothing is said.
it’s like electric currents pass between us in those moments. i don’t even have to glance down, to know you are getting, if not completely hard, already. i can feel the gentle tingling of my nipples tightening as my pelvic floor involuntarily spasms. i have no idea why this biological attraction is there between us. it’s so unique to me i wonder if you have it with others, even though you said you haven’t. it’s just so strong. and distracting. i don’t trust you and never will again yet my body will not let me forget you.
i’ve known for years that you were the game changer for me. more than anyone before or after, it’s you. it’s always been you. the missing limb is accommodated and adjustments made to how you live after it’s gone, and yet the memory it, the sensations coursing through something which is not there, remain. It would be so easy to allow that to control me. so easy to simply lay with you and forget about how my heart will feel if i let you back into my mind.