communication connection

you need a friend, a connection, a person who is engaged with what you say and who you are as a man and as a person. our marriages mirror each others so brutally perfectly. you are me, i am you. each of us hungry for communication first, even as we struggle with the high needs of a sexual nature, which we are used to placing on hold, on standby. you refuse to rush me and you refuse to allow my impatience to rush you. i’ve needed you. exactly you. and you had the patience to wait. talk about making a woman want you.

Posted in Affair, Relationships | 2 Comments

new man in town

i’ve met someone. he arouses me. i’ve known him for a long time but have just recently met him. and for the past 2 months he has been engaging me, building something he wants and which he believes will be sustainable between us. his level of effort and what he wants, is pretty incredible. he wants what i do. he has exactly what i have. everything he says, would be the words i would say, if i spoke them first. he is moving slow because he knows that laying a solid foundation matters, to both of us.

i’ve been reticent about him. about the possibility or potential of growing anything real. holding back and not fully accepting. there are reasons. valid ones. all based on my being hurt in the past and therefore unfair to project upon him. he has been an open book. a completely divulging everything immediately and then stated why before i could panic and use it as an excuse to not proceed. he is exactly perfect in how he handles my nerves, my concerns and not because he has been directed to, but because it’s how he handles situations and people.

my level of interest is increasing the longer i know him and catching up to where he wants me to be. and he will not proceed with anything more intimate until i am where he is. he doesn’t want a fling, or something temporary. he’s building a relationship because he wants it to be one and where sex is part of it but not all of it. and the more time he spends with me, the more he involves me in the day to day functioning of his life, the more i trust that he will continue to do so.

and it’s been a very long time since i felt even the faintest glimmer of hope i would be able to do that again. thankfully, he was persistent and understood what i needed, even though i could not express to him, my reasons for it. i’ll explain it to him one day soon, because he’s earned my trust. and i have to say, that fills me with trepidation if i think about it. so, i am purposely not thinking about it. let’s go with denial. i’m good at that. he wants a best friend, a companion and a sexual partner. he wants an emotional relationship as well as a sexual one. but he does not want full intimacy until i am positive that i plan on staying with him for a long time, because that’s what he wants from me.

so an assertive man who is in full control of himself, who enjoys me completely and who has a high sex drive which seems to match my own in every aspect who is willing and instigated, a long courtship filled with a massive amount of communication and sharing time together interspersed with sexual awareness and tension which reaffirms that intimacy is more important than sexual contact. if i had any sense at all, i’d be afraid at how well matched we are and at how far he’ll go to make sure he meets all of my needs.

he is the best part of many men I’ve known, combined into one man. which makes me either very excited or very nervous. i’m not sure which. i am firmly entrenched in feeling neutral about it for today. and that is fine with him. because he is intent on changing everything to accommodate my needs, because he wants me for a long time to come, and he knows his efforts will accumulate and since he plans on staying, that is no issue for him at all. he is a very interesting man. one who clearly is more than my match.

Posted in Affair, Relationships | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

valentine contact

i think about who is in my life. who chooses to be. who makes an effort. i don’t do valentines day very well. for years it was a day of anger and resentment that he had chosen to forget, that he ignored it, that i waited patiently all day, sure he would do something, anything, only to realize he wouldn’t and hadn’t. i must have thrown out a solid 10-12 valentine cards over the years. bought and then never given as he failed to make time for me and for us. so rather than fuzzy warm memories, i approach the day with suspicion if i can’t manage to be neutrally neglectful of it, with a tinge of bitter.

i was snippy. already bristling after 2 hours of being up and getting ready for the day with no mention of it. would it be so hard to grab my ass and bend me backwards as i get kissed hard and told how much i was wanted? apparently so. anyway, by the time i finished doing a variety of things and my mood was soured, i came back into the kitchen to see roses and a card he snuck in when i was upstairs. great. so he remembered but wanted to piss me off first? do you know how hard t is to try and shift emotions after years of being neglected? virtually one of the hardest mental shifts you have to make.

i think the last time he bought me flowers was 2? years ago, when i came home form a trip and he knew i was going to be with other women from work. he showed up with flowers and they all oohh’ed and ahhh’ed. they were beautiful but he did it for them to see him give me flowers and not to give me flowers from him. big difference. so i got flowers and a card. clearly, i had already given him a small gift after he woke up…because in part today was a big day for him. he was having surgery which had been postponed from december.

he made an effort and it was welcome. and i also had messages from a few other people. peripherally. long gone loves who always stay in contact with me. to what end? self serving? possibly. maybe i am jaded and don’t believe in love anymore. maybe. like i do and not admit it. i have been emotionally numb for a few years now. i certainly live life but i feel like i am not participating in it in real time. disassociative. arms length to emotional involvement.

the point is. some connections made seem to last. even when they are not routinely maintained or tended. they stretch across time and become more than what you expected them to be yet never become more than what they are. i don’t even know if i could trust them to be more of anything now, than what i have learned them to be. a memory of who i was. a ghost of emotional connection i don’t remember anymore. i’m no longer her. she is no longer here. i am no longer lost in what may be or living in the world of what is. when you look back at the past and through the reflection of mirrors, you seem to lose the connection to the present.

i don’t want to find myself anymore. i am okay being content and lost. simply not risking is the way i need to heal and how i self preserve. i am unwilling to be more, do more, expect more. i can’t. i can’t be broken again anytime soon. and i’m not even pulling back. i simply fell so far i can’t get out yet. and i am not trying. because i don’t care yet.

 

Posted in Relationships | 4 Comments

the lost words

WordPress has changed again or I am having massive issues with my blog. I can see I have ‘notifications”, yet when I click to view them, I have the spinning wheel of death which never loads. I’ve gone through all my settings and have tried bringing up posts in a historical method, which is clearly ineffective and incredibly frustrating. My apologies if you’ve message/commented and I’ve not replied. I simply can’t see anything, I know is there.

Posted in In the News, Relationships | Tagged | 4 Comments

failing at marriage

i spend half the time hating him and the other half feeling badly that he can’t be the man he thinks he should be and the one i would respect and want. i get brief glimpses of who he once had the potential to be. fleeting. they go before i can respect him and ages before i could ever fall in love again. i wish we at least had a physical relationship which made up for the lack of everything else, rather than contributing to the problems. one needs to feel passion and that you are desirable. otherwise you waste away into apathy and regret. when your spouse does not meet your needs, there is a veritable line up of available men who would like to take his place. and once you stop looking down from despair, you realize just how many of them are there and how easy it would be to say yes. yes to everything. especially because the man you are married to has proven that he completely fails at marriage 100 times a month.

Posted in marriage, Relationships | 1 Comment

His little attempt at masterbation

His penis is lost inside his hand, as he rubs his well formed head against the slit of ripened peach between my shapely thighs. Moments later, the searing heat of his ejaculate floods over the bountiful valley of my sex, with the spice of his juicy release. Had it not been for the presence of his closed fist and the mess left behind, I would not know he had been there at all.

Posted in cock size, masterbation, small penis teasing, SPT | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

craven desire

there are times i crave punishment. when i want you to almost hurt me. when i want the pounding of your cock to be fierce and violent as you pin me down and make me take it, take you, take everything. i want my mouth bruised as you crush me. i want your hand grasping my jaw, forcing me my lips forward so you can roughly kiss me, renting your thumb across the fullness of them, drawing them apart. i want my wrists grasped in one of yours, arms pulled over my head, exposing my breasts to your greedy eyes, as my back arches with your violent coupling.

i want you to make me mewl beneath you, to gasp on your withdraw and cry out when you violently enter me.  i want you to grasp my hips roughly and flip me over so that my wide white ass is presented fully as you grab handfuls of fleshy hips and use them to slam me back onto your engorged shaft, as you make me fuck you back. the hard wet slapping noise of sex sweat skin. the delicious suctioning as you piston your flesh inside of my swollen and slick pussy. i was born for this. this hard fucking to match your arousal. built for your bodys comfort, i am the soft delicious piece of ass you need to vent yourself upon. there are times i crave it.

Posted in Sex, submission | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

a taste of me

sensuality connects us in our frail human form. senses stimulated by the strength of touch or  grasp, perhaps even something as benign as the tickling breeze on the back of your hand, is enough to  bring the flush of longing; of emotional and physical awareness to over sensitive skin. a body responding which is eager to respond. someone prepared to  experienced tactile sensations fully. this is what I give, this is what I seek.

moments can be intense or subtle.  interaction between bodies speaks multitudes. a side glance of approval, a delicate or soulful sigh; a slight smile with twitching brows. the downward casting of eyes, as the bottom side of a lip is secured between white teeth. the firm grasp of hair at the back of your head or hands at the base of the neck, elicits response. a shivery, delightful, response. the hand which drifts down the small of my back, to deftly trace the tops of cotton panties in a sensual manner. my attitude is conducive to sensual foreplay building and the foundation of sexual reciprocity.

i am feminine. sensually submissive by nature only when a man who is authoritative and assertive, has command over me. i am a treasured gift to be cherished. held against a strong chest or upon a knee. comfort and pet me. though beautiful in full form, my strength is my innate sensuality. beautiful, seductive and aware. verbal repartee leads to both physical and emotional intensity. appreciation for all i am comes over time when the fullness of my promise blooms with stable interaction. not all are good at being intimate. I am and so are you.

 

Posted in Relationships, submission | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

act right

sick of idiot people saying idiotic things. people defending others who are violent and abusive because they want to bitch against law enforcement. you know what helps? not breaking the fucking law. try that. i am ALL for accountability. everyone’s actions matter. but there is a whole career sector made up of people who stand between the law abiding and those who consider themselves outside of the law. rules don’t apply to them. they get to do and say what they want regardless of who it hurts.

look at the relationship over the last year in chicago between the police and the public. massive sections of the city no longer have adequate police response. crime is skyrocketing because police are unwilling to be videotaped by the public while trying to do their jobs and be placed under scrutiny. in 2016, shootings up 130%. more than double the number of murders. street stops down 80%. arrests down 40%. Public scrutiny is intense and so police have backed out of those communities which harbour most of the criminal activities.

i support the military, the police, the fire, the emergency services personnel. i do not support people who break the law, regardless of who they are or what office or profession they hold. stupid people need readjustment. yet what about the law abiding people in the now under serviced communities? what about the people who kept their mouths shut and did not assist the police which made their jobs more difficult?  do they get what they deserve? what they in fact created by their silence?

when you have a violent person, attack a person, then when police come to arrest, they attack the police officer who arrives, punching them in the face multiple times, knocking them to the ground. then when the person is arrested and kicks out the side window of the Police car, attempts to flee, is taken down, then kicks another officer in the head, while spitting at everyone and finally when being restrained with cables, manages to bite yet a 3rd officer. bites hard enough that when they are tasered, they hang on and needs to be tazed a 2nd time to get them to let go, tell me HOW the harsh method the police are using to now subdue him are questioned?

do i think the man deserves to get a kick in the ribs, have his face planted on the pavement, knee in his back, while other officers arrive to get him under control being rough with him, because up until this point he has now assaulted 4 people and is fighting arrest so hard he had the strength to kick out a car window? yes. because i give NO shits about that assholes rights. none. he gave them up when he assaulted people and resisted arrest. if he wanted gentle and fair treatment then he should have avoided assaulting person #1 the officer who came to arrest him for it.

do you know how many people get hurt as innocent bystanders? a shit ton. if you don’t want to comply with police direction, then stay the fuck away from trouble and be law abiding. ta fuking da. lots of people do it every single day. and instead of filming what you think is an altercation? how about you actually get out from behind your viewfinder and assist with the situation? not all cops are bad. not all people are good. and there are people who are assholes everywhere. i’m just sick of them believing they have more rights than those of the people they’ve attempted to take them away from.

Posted in In the News | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

back, the fuck, down

i was pissed off today by someone i haven’t spoke to or had any contact with in several years. i have purposefully stayed away from something which is important to me, because she is there. and she is lying. she has issues which i consider clinical and they had gotten to the point, that i needed to avoid her. so discovering her again today, only to see she has escalated from where she was and has drawn a substantial number of people into her delusion, has massively alarmed and triggered me.

what she does and says actually has no impact on my direct life at the moment. but it does for many people who are marginalized and have no voice. so her complete fabrication of a life which is a lie, to gain attention and secure a social place for herself which feeds into her ideals of grandiosity, angers me. it’s evil. and today i gained massive clarification that while i have coped by ignoring her and retreating, i have handled it the wrong way.

today, i have made a choice to actually take her on. it means that there will be a direct confrontation at some point, roughly a year from now. i plan on building a case, writing and documenting what i need to and it will take a great deal of time to arrange. but i am also going to pro-actively reach out to a few of the groups who have bought her toxic cool-aide and swallowed it. and she will be righteously furious because the walls she has so carefully constructed will crash down around her head and bury her in the lies she used to build with.

she believes herself to be an advocate. a voice. and she is nothing more than a bag of un-diagnosed mental disorders. a woman who has made poor life choices, who has used people and has stolen proponents from other peoples lives to use as her own, because she has nothing of value to offer from herself. she is troubled. and until now, i have chosen to avoid her drama. but now her reach has spread and i refuse to let her get away with what she has. it ends. i’m ending it now. and i’m willing to accept whatever consequences that choice creates as there is too much at stake to let her continue as she is.

Posted in Family, mental illness, Relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment